Sometimes it feels like nothing has changed. He'll be out here on the computer and I'll be out there watching tv and then it'll be bedtime and off I'll go. No good night kiss, nothing. No time spent together in the evening, same old thing as before. And the house is still a mess, the bills still unpaid, so I ask, what has changed? We said we were gonna change...is that it? Is that all? That we said we were gonna change? Is that enough? The intention of change? I don't think that is enough.
At this current moment I am angry about money again. A couple weeks ago I was angry about money. He said he was going to work over time and buy himself a fencing outfit. Well, he bought the outfit FIRST and then go figure, he hasn't work any overtime...so yeah I was mad about that ($106.+ tax). But then he was behind on his fencing class fees. He hadn't paid for October yet, and November was due too. We talked about it and we were pretty broke. I showed him how much money we had and said he should just pay for October and then pay November when we got paid on November 15th. He said OK. Then, not only did he pay October and November, he paid December as well.
Needless to say, we are considerably broke-r than I would like at this point, we dont get paid until the 15th and somehow I am supposed to come up with food and gas money, but HEY, his fencing class is paid for, so its all good, right?!?
But then he wants me to be all happy and kissy and cuddly...because its the weekend...oh did I mention I am working 11 hour days? And Saturdays? Yeah. Mandatory overtime. And it's taxed to hell. And I feel like crap, does that solicit any extra help around here? Nope! I just want out. Nothing has changed. I am in the same relationship I was in a year ago.
Now he uses the fact that he is looking for a job to be on the computer for excessive amounts of time. Its ridiculous. He will always find an excuse.
Seriously, maybe I do just want out of this relationship. Maybe I should've just gone when I was planning to before. Maybe I am not putting any effort into it either. I don't know. I know I am exhausted and if he isn't going to be a help then he is just a hindrance that I cant have and don't need. I don't need to be fighting all the time, it isn't physically good for me and its exhausting to boot.
I don't want to have to remind him of stuff, I don't want to be his mom anymore. I have done that for long enough...funny before we knew what his deal was, when I made him lists or reminded him of stuff I was nagging him...Now I am being helpful??!?!!??
And seriously...I think it is beyond selfish to drag me all around town chasing a @#$%ing cupcake lady, when I can't eat a @#$%ing cupcake. If it was just down the street it would be one thing, but seriously, he has dragged me all over town for those damn cupcakes and I pretend to have a good time, but I'm not having good time. I don't enjoy farmer's markets, indoors or out! AND I CAN'T EAT CUPCAKES!!!!!!
Maybe take the other person's feelings into consideration once in a while, and don't say, oh maybe you should tell him, he probably doesn't know how you feel...cuz I have told him...I told him several times. "I don't want to go. I can't even eat cupcakes"...he didn't care....
I have missed this...venting feels good...I am going to have to remember to do this more often...its this or hit him with a frying pan. That might feel good too tho.
