So I can be having a perfectly good day...a really good day and it can go bad with just one 'Ping'. Yep that is all it takes...one little 'Ping' from Yahoo messenger. Yesterday day was a really good day. Paul and I have been really trying to work on our relationship, doing things together, going out as a couple and just hanging out. Yesterday, after spending the morning together, we went out to brunch, then went to the art museum. We found something that was the perfect little gift for his dad, so we even stopped by his folks house. His brother, that I don't get along with, had also stopped by for a visit and even that didn't ruin my day.
We stopped at the store on the way home, to get the last few things we needed for dinner and when we got home, I needed some help getting dinner ready and 'Ping!' there she was! Yep.
My really good day was ruined. He wanted to stop everything and talk to his "bestie"! Just for a few minutes because he never gets to talk to her. It didn't matter that we had had such a good day all the way up to that point...that 'Ping!' and everything went sour. The whole day was a waste. The morning, the brunch, the time at the museum...all a waste, like it never happened...all with one little 'Ping!' It's all me, I know. But there's nothing I can do about it. I just hate the woman. Hate. I generally don't use that word. But she needs to GO!
I hate that he will drop whatever he is doing and run for the computer at the sound of that 'Ping!'. Oh Sherry's on...must stop everything...and I'm supposed to be okay with that? I don't think so!
I just can't stand it. Just the sound of it makes my stomach turn. 'Ping!' I don't even care what they talk about.
Friday night I tried to explain to him how hurtful to me it was that he calls another woman his best friend and he said I twist words around. That I read meanings into things that aren't there. That it's all semantics. That I mean more to him than that...blah blah blah. He just doesn't get it and I don't think he ever will. I'm wondering if this is a deal breaker for me. Truly. This 'Ping' really is almost too much for me to take.
He says he feels like he has to tell me what their conversations are. So he can prove that she isn't talking trash about me anymore. I really don't care what they talk about. I just want her gone.
I know the topic of their conversations...she's a tramp...she changes men more often than most women change tampons. She cusses like a sailor and when we were going through our rough patch she bad-mouthed me like nobody's business. What are her redeeming qualities? Oh, and he spends a significant amount of time telling her how pretty she is...that's enough to make me like her right?
Okay, he's a grown man and I don't have any right to tell him who he can be friends with. And I told him that. I did. And I'm not going to make him get rid of her. I don't have the right to do that.
BUT I don't think I should be subjected to that either. Why should I be subjected to the 'Ping' of her calling out to ~my~ husband over and over because she can't keep a man? And she wants attention from mine... It's not my fault she can't keep a man. I think she's been divorced a couple times. But hey, if it comes down to a competition, I'm not playing, I'm not in there. Paul got mad, he said its not a competition. I said your right, cuz I wont play. She wins. I won't compete. I'll walk away before I fight this stupid fight...this isn't 7th grade...
'Ping!' Yeah, that's a comforting sound, right? Yeah, honey, go talk to your trampy bestie! I'll just wait over here for when you want to come be with me. Just don't try to touch me afterward, cuz I'll be in bad mood that you wont understand...
Monday, July 30, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
So Who's At Fault?
So, as a child we were poor and I never knew it. My parents made sure that we had everything that we needed and that we didn't know that were were poor. I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone else was just as poor as we were, so there was nobody to compare ourselves to, I guess. My mom was a stay at home mom for most of my childhood, although I do remember her working as a waitress for a short period of time when I was like 3-4 years old. But my dad worked 2 jobs most of the time. I didn't find out until just a few years ago that we were on public assistance for most of my childhood, getting at least food stamps. My parents made sure we had food on the table and clothes and toys to play with. We even went on vacation every summer. We had a pop-up camper and sometimes we even rented a house up at Buckeye Lake for a week. Nope, we didn't want for anything. We knew not to beg for things though.
As we grew older, my brother met a friend who was rich. That friend had everything he could want and more. My brother began to demand things from my parents. And when my parents couldn't give those things to him. He began to steal. He stole from me and my parents. He stole credit card numbers from patrons where he worked, in order to buy things to keep up with his rich friend. Eventually we lost touch. Years later, I found out that he moved into the same neighborhood that I live in. We drove by one day and he was outside and he invited us into his house. It looked like a magazine layout. He told us that he had interior designers do his house for him. It looked like he couldn't really live there. He never outgrew that need, that greed that overtook him. I felt sad for him.
But my kids...they are always begging for things. ALWAYS...to me they seem so greedy. And they know my financial situation. They know when I don't have money. They know when I have bills to pay and they still ask for things that they don't need. And then get mad at me when I don't immediately give in...even though they know I can't.
So my question is...who's at fault? Is it my fault? Did I do this to them? Did I make them this way? Or is it society? Have they grown up in a world so different from the world that I grew up in, in a neighborhood where everybody has everything they want, not just the things they need, so that they feel entitled to ask for everything they want? Is it too late to change them?
But you know its not just things they don't need that they are greedy with...its food too. My kids are just damn greedy. If I buy cookies, the whole package is gone the same day... I bought a package of string cheese. Gone the next day. There are 12 in a package. My oldest tried to justify it by saying, "That's only 3 per person, and that's not unreasonable for a day." WHAT?!? How is that not unreasonable? Who eats three string cheeses in a day? Its not a frickin' meal! I can buy 20 yogurts for me to take for breakfast. Gone before I get through a week! Chips, cereal, soda...it doesn't matter what it is...there is no moderation here. Just greed and selfishness. I don't know how to change it.
Well I think I am done venting for now...I need a nap!
As we grew older, my brother met a friend who was rich. That friend had everything he could want and more. My brother began to demand things from my parents. And when my parents couldn't give those things to him. He began to steal. He stole from me and my parents. He stole credit card numbers from patrons where he worked, in order to buy things to keep up with his rich friend. Eventually we lost touch. Years later, I found out that he moved into the same neighborhood that I live in. We drove by one day and he was outside and he invited us into his house. It looked like a magazine layout. He told us that he had interior designers do his house for him. It looked like he couldn't really live there. He never outgrew that need, that greed that overtook him. I felt sad for him.
But my kids...they are always begging for things. ALWAYS...to me they seem so greedy. And they know my financial situation. They know when I don't have money. They know when I have bills to pay and they still ask for things that they don't need. And then get mad at me when I don't immediately give in...even though they know I can't.
So my question is...who's at fault? Is it my fault? Did I do this to them? Did I make them this way? Or is it society? Have they grown up in a world so different from the world that I grew up in, in a neighborhood where everybody has everything they want, not just the things they need, so that they feel entitled to ask for everything they want? Is it too late to change them?
But you know its not just things they don't need that they are greedy with...its food too. My kids are just damn greedy. If I buy cookies, the whole package is gone the same day... I bought a package of string cheese. Gone the next day. There are 12 in a package. My oldest tried to justify it by saying, "That's only 3 per person, and that's not unreasonable for a day." WHAT?!? How is that not unreasonable? Who eats three string cheeses in a day? Its not a frickin' meal! I can buy 20 yogurts for me to take for breakfast. Gone before I get through a week! Chips, cereal, soda...it doesn't matter what it is...there is no moderation here. Just greed and selfishness. I don't know how to change it.
Well I think I am done venting for now...I need a nap!
Friday, July 27, 2012
Stress -redacted
So after I wrote my blog this morning, I started thinking...actually I went back to bed to try to sleep this migraine off. But while I was laying there I thought, that blog I wrote should've been done like a military report, with all of the info there, but all of the good stuff redacted. So this is how that first entry of the day should've looked.
So, back in late fall our oldest son came to us t 12 he he was . He he just wants he home. I fall . I love him stress. daughter finds it somewhat with. She brothers."
So my middle child, has . He twice a with of w ter. The the the . .The the room. The . But he how him or how him. He his . Coming in from work and y,, take a rest from getting up so early, is so hard. When I get home I just want to sit down and rest for a few minutes, .
So this thing with Paul, we have started marriage counseling, no secret there. But the marriage counselor says we are not equipped to deal with the big things yet. But she asked us how we ended up together. The answer I gave was ok, but not correct. I thought about it and the correct answer was that Paul was my best friend. But over the years, Paul h are . That hurtful . This been few when been , but . So that I ) that I him he but if I his that I out. work. He to to Sherry his . I him that was the . He to tell me that him her his we had and that I was into s. I told him that it 't take t we if is his . I told him I to and to . he it. I am again feeling this indecision. Alone and adrift at sea...
He says about her. That our are . I want to that is . I need to that is .
He says , but . I asked him to . I told him . I just wonder why now? Why now is he willing to make changes? And is he really willing? Am I putting my eggs in a basket with holes in bottom? This is a scary time for me.
So, back in late fall our oldest son came to us t 12 he he was . He he just wants he home. I fall . I love him stress. daughter finds it somewhat with. She brothers."
So my middle child, has . He twice a with of w ter. The the the . .The the room. The . But he how him or how him. He his . Coming in from work and y,, take a rest from getting up so early, is so hard. When I get home I just want to sit down and rest for a few minutes, .
So this thing with Paul, we have started marriage counseling, no secret there. But the marriage counselor says we are not equipped to deal with the big things yet. But she asked us how we ended up together. The answer I gave was ok, but not correct. I thought about it and the correct answer was that Paul was my best friend. But over the years, Paul h are . That hurtful . This been few when been , but . So that I ) that I him he but if I his that I out. work. He to to Sherry his . I him that was the . He to tell me that him her his we had and that I was into s. I told him that it 't take t we if is his . I told him I to and to . he it. I am again feeling this indecision. Alone and adrift at sea...
He says about her. That our are . I want to that is . I need to that is .
He says , but . I asked him to . I told him . I just wonder why now? Why now is he willing to make changes? And is he really willing? Am I putting my eggs in a basket with holes in bottom? This is a scary time for me.
Stress
So my friend Alyse says that blogging is a good way to relieve stress. I think she might be right. Here's my problem though. Some of the things that cause me stress are taboo topics. Like:
1. I have a son who has....oops.. not allowed to talk about that...
2. I have another son who...oops not allowed to talk about that either...
3. I am experiencing some marital issues but I can't go into details (I trust that is being honored by the other party as well)...
But let's see...I am taking a martial arts class with Paul that I thought was supposed to be fun. And for about 15 minutes of each class it is. Then it turns into this horrible flash back of gym class in like 7th grade with the instructor barking at you like the football coach who is only teaching gym class because he has too, because they make him so he can coach the football team. NOT fun at all. Once this beginner class is over I will not be taking the next class. They take this WAY to seriously. If they can't make if fun, they wont get anybody who is there for anything less than complete and total seriousness to keep going. And the instructor gives me dirty looks the whole time because I don't catch on right away, "Dude, I have never taken a martial arts class in my entire life, cut me some slack, alright?!?"
Oh, we have gone to the Ohio Theater a couple times for the summer series movies. We saw the original Psycho and the original War of the Worlds. Man! That theater is awesome. Totally beautiful! Its worth the price of the ticket just to see the inside of the theater.
We are looking to replace the car. There is some check engine light on...who knows how much that would cost to get fixed, the front passenger seat is broken, the tires need replaced (estimated $600 -since it is an SUV). But I don't want to get rid of my car. It seats 7. And we can haul stuff in it. The replacement cars we qualify for (in our current financial situation) are sedans, which only seat 5, but they do get better, way better gas mileage. But for the down payment (actually tax and fees) that we would have to put down, we could get the tires on the Suzuki replaced...I hate the indecision that I am plagued with lately. I didn't used to be like this.
I have felt this a lot lately, plagued with indecision. Mostly since this whole thing with Paul went down. I second guess myself a lot. I used to know exactly what I wanted. I knew what my goals were, even if I didn't know how I was going to achieve them. I knew where I wanted to be in life at any certain time, I knew what my small term goals were too. Now I feel, I got nothing... I am a boat adrift at sea...its sad really.
Oh, and my house is falling apart around me. Its filthy. Truly. I haven't been able to make granola in two months because my kitchen is just too messy. I haven't made muffins either. I am just too exhausted to get it clean...I don't feel like doing anything about it either. I just want to leave it and walk away.
Sometimes I just want to walk away from everything. Sometimes when I am at work, I just want to get up and leave and just drive away from everything and everybody... the stress just builds up and I find myself crying at work and that is no good. But luckily they know I get migraines and I can blame the crying on that.
Sometimes I feel so alone. Its all too much. There is just too much stress and physically I cannot take much more. My body is rebelling against me already. The stress just gives it more fuel to fight me with. I come home and there is too much to do and my body says lay down and give me a fricking break and I can't. Me and M.S. are not friends but some days, I do just want to lay down and take a nap with him.
Well, nobody told me I couldn't talk about my daughter. But she probably will now. Ever since Paul and I have started working on our relationship, we have been spending more time together. Which means we have been spending our evenings together and going to bed at the same time. Which has kind of left our daughter out in the dark. She used to come to bed with me and then Paul would move her to her bed when he came to bed. She misses the cuddle time that we had together. Or me and her would sit in the TV room in the evenings while Paul was on the computer. And all that has changed. She misses me. I feel her. I miss her too.
So I think that is it for now. I don't feel better though. Cuz I stayed home today with a migraine...a real one. It feels like something is eating down the left side of my head. And I feel like I might vomit...nice graphic image huh? My friend says when she gets migraines she feels better after she throws up....I never actually, hardly ever, throw up, but I never feel better when I do.
Hope you have a great day. Hope I do too.
1. I have a son who has....oops.. not allowed to talk about that...
2. I have another son who...oops not allowed to talk about that either...
3. I am experiencing some marital issues but I can't go into details (I trust that is being honored by the other party as well)...
But let's see...I am taking a martial arts class with Paul that I thought was supposed to be fun. And for about 15 minutes of each class it is. Then it turns into this horrible flash back of gym class in like 7th grade with the instructor barking at you like the football coach who is only teaching gym class because he has too, because they make him so he can coach the football team. NOT fun at all. Once this beginner class is over I will not be taking the next class. They take this WAY to seriously. If they can't make if fun, they wont get anybody who is there for anything less than complete and total seriousness to keep going. And the instructor gives me dirty looks the whole time because I don't catch on right away, "Dude, I have never taken a martial arts class in my entire life, cut me some slack, alright?!?"
Oh, we have gone to the Ohio Theater a couple times for the summer series movies. We saw the original Psycho and the original War of the Worlds. Man! That theater is awesome. Totally beautiful! Its worth the price of the ticket just to see the inside of the theater.
We are looking to replace the car. There is some check engine light on...who knows how much that would cost to get fixed, the front passenger seat is broken, the tires need replaced (estimated $600 -since it is an SUV). But I don't want to get rid of my car. It seats 7. And we can haul stuff in it. The replacement cars we qualify for (in our current financial situation) are sedans, which only seat 5, but they do get better, way better gas mileage. But for the down payment (actually tax and fees) that we would have to put down, we could get the tires on the Suzuki replaced...I hate the indecision that I am plagued with lately. I didn't used to be like this.
I have felt this a lot lately, plagued with indecision. Mostly since this whole thing with Paul went down. I second guess myself a lot. I used to know exactly what I wanted. I knew what my goals were, even if I didn't know how I was going to achieve them. I knew where I wanted to be in life at any certain time, I knew what my small term goals were too. Now I feel, I got nothing... I am a boat adrift at sea...its sad really.
Oh, and my house is falling apart around me. Its filthy. Truly. I haven't been able to make granola in two months because my kitchen is just too messy. I haven't made muffins either. I am just too exhausted to get it clean...I don't feel like doing anything about it either. I just want to leave it and walk away.
Sometimes I just want to walk away from everything. Sometimes when I am at work, I just want to get up and leave and just drive away from everything and everybody... the stress just builds up and I find myself crying at work and that is no good. But luckily they know I get migraines and I can blame the crying on that.
Sometimes I feel so alone. Its all too much. There is just too much stress and physically I cannot take much more. My body is rebelling against me already. The stress just gives it more fuel to fight me with. I come home and there is too much to do and my body says lay down and give me a fricking break and I can't. Me and M.S. are not friends but some days, I do just want to lay down and take a nap with him.
Well, nobody told me I couldn't talk about my daughter. But she probably will now. Ever since Paul and I have started working on our relationship, we have been spending more time together. Which means we have been spending our evenings together and going to bed at the same time. Which has kind of left our daughter out in the dark. She used to come to bed with me and then Paul would move her to her bed when he came to bed. She misses the cuddle time that we had together. Or me and her would sit in the TV room in the evenings while Paul was on the computer. And all that has changed. She misses me. I feel her. I miss her too.
So I think that is it for now. I don't feel better though. Cuz I stayed home today with a migraine...a real one. It feels like something is eating down the left side of my head. And I feel like I might vomit...nice graphic image huh? My friend says when she gets migraines she feels better after she throws up....I never actually, hardly ever, throw up, but I never feel better when I do.
Hope you have a great day. Hope I do too.
Reposts
So the two posts that are just below this one are obviously out of order...I just moved them here from my old blog spot...so no worries if it doesn't make sense or if you've read them before...or if you haven't because it seems that nobody reads my blog anyway...But I had to change my email address and I couldnt figure out how to get this site to let me change it for logging in purposes...anyhoo...away we go!
Sunday, July 8, 2012
It's My Birthday!
So it's my Birthday today! Yep, and my baby girl is leaving on vacation to
Georgia...how fair is that? Well, actually, she is leaving tomorrow. Today her
friends are picking her up and she is spending the night with them here in Ohio
and then tomorrow morning they are leaving for Georgia. Then in a couple weeks,
we will drive down to Georgia for our weekend vacation and pick her up.
My whole summer vacation will be ONE weekend in Georgia. BUT its more than I used to get so I not really complaining. We are planning a couple of good things I guess. A trip to the Coke museum and a visit to http://www.thevarsity.com/ hot dog joint. Which I saw on Foodnetwork and it looks like it will be a lot of fun. My baby girl has been there and she enjoyed it. Although if I ask her about it now, she gets an attitude, but she gets that from me, the attitude I mean.
Dang that girl is just a tiny me walking around. We butt head like nobody's business. It's like I ran myself through a copier sometimes. All attitude and beauty to match! She's way prettier than me though. Ok, we just had a fight somehow because she doesn't have a bathing suit, only she does, but its at her friends house. I said call your friend and we'll go pick it up and somehow that was me being mean to her! I just don't get it!
So, now it looks like I may end up going to Target to buy a bathing suit bottom, just the bottom mind you...things at my house are always so weird...
My whole summer vacation will be ONE weekend in Georgia. BUT its more than I used to get so I not really complaining. We are planning a couple of good things I guess. A trip to the Coke museum and a visit to http://www.thevarsity.com/ hot dog joint. Which I saw on Foodnetwork and it looks like it will be a lot of fun. My baby girl has been there and she enjoyed it. Although if I ask her about it now, she gets an attitude, but she gets that from me, the attitude I mean.
Dang that girl is just a tiny me walking around. We butt head like nobody's business. It's like I ran myself through a copier sometimes. All attitude and beauty to match! She's way prettier than me though. Ok, we just had a fight somehow because she doesn't have a bathing suit, only she does, but its at her friends house. I said call your friend and we'll go pick it up and somehow that was me being mean to her! I just don't get it!
So, now it looks like I may end up going to Target to buy a bathing suit bottom, just the bottom mind you...things at my house are always so weird...
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