I have a disability, but I am still your partner

When you take my arm like am your 90 year old granny, it hurts my feelings.  I understand that you want to help me.  But I am not an invalid.  I can walk and if I need help I will ask for it.  Or hey, maybe I'll fall.  I'm a grown person, I'll deal.  Stumbling isn't the worse thing that could happen.

I understand that you want to help me and take care of me, but when you do it like am either an old person or a very young child, it makes me feel like I am LESS.  We are supposed to be partners in this relationship.  Equals.  For better or for worse.  In sickness and in health.

We are at the sickness part.  I can still be a partner.  I am still here.  Please treat me like I am still here.  Do not lessen me more than my disability already has.  I have already lost so much.  Do I have to feel like I have lost a partner too?

I have not asked you to take care of me.  I may occasionally (rarely) ask you for help.  And I try not to do that.  I have always been the strong partner.  I am loathe to give that up.  But I have NEVER asked you to take care of me.  The time may come down the road where you may be forced into that position.  Why are you trying to go there now?

I want to just be partners and deal with everything equally.  I want us to look at each situation/problem: physical (my disability),  mental (your ADHD), financial, your going back to school, the kids, whether we are moving or not, etc. as things we need to face together.

And I still want us to be a couple.  A lovey-dovey couple.  I don't want to be shut out because you think of me as an invalid.  Or because you don't think I have any interest anymore.

I am still here.  I am still me.  I am trapped in this disability.  I want to be normal, but I can't.

Don't take any more from me.

Trust...Broken, Twisted and Tangled, Mangled and Left for Dead

So trust is a big issue in a relationship.  My daughter just had her first big break up.  Her boyfriend's best friend told him she cheated on him. AND he believed the friend instead of her.  She didn't cheat on him.  I should clarify.  At their age, the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship consists of holding hands and texting.

Anyway, I explained to her that boys/guys have this weird rule about "bros before ho's" which means a guy will always choose his male friend before his girlfriend (then I had to explain that "ho" was a euphemism for the word whore but if a guy ever called her a whore she was supposed to clock him right on the jaw no matter what!).  But I told her in a relationship your partner/boyfriend/spouse should always have your back, always choose you.

That got me thinking about my relationship.  I still feel betrayed.  I still don't feel the trust.  After last year, I don't know that I ever will. He says that he isn't going online saying those things, that he isn't looking for a relationship like he did before but I don't trust him.  Will I ever?  How can I?  I know he texts other women, I know he pours his heart out, "I'm down, I'm depressed, I'm having a bad day"....boo-fricking hoo! That's how it started before!  And he is doing that hug-y, love you thing again...yep, I am reading his texts and his messages.  I don't trust him and he said he wouldn't do those things and he says his ISN'T but he IS!

So I say, how can I trust him not to start that again, when he is lying to my face, and he is starting down that path already?  What am I supposed to do?

The trust is mangled and broken and lying in the path like it has been run over by an 18 wheeler...

How Can Anyone Hate Christmas?

How Can Anyone Hate Christmas?  Well I do...I just hate this time of year...it supposed to make me happy and joyful and every year I wait for that to happen and it never does.  And don't tell me that I have to make it happen for myself, because I have tried that too.  It's too much work trying to do that for other people, I don't have the time or the energy to try to do it for myself too.

Almost every year I have to try to figure out how I am going to afford Christmas for my children.  That is enough stress right there.  There is extended family to buy for and the friends of your kids and the circle that you have to buy for just keeps getting bigger but the money coming in doesn't.  Did I mention that I hate Christmas?  How did something that was supposed to be joyful turn into something that is so stressful for me?  It literally brings me to tears every year...

For the last few years, up until last year, I worked over time, LOTS of overtime at the holidays in order to make sure that my kids could have a decent Christmas.  Then last year we went the layaway route and the kids knew everything they were getting, well the big stuff anyway.

This year, the OT, was spent on my glasses...what the hell was I thinking?!?! and we didn't do layaway and it's like 2 weeks til Christmas and I have nothing for my kids. And Paul is saying, "We'll figure it out...we always do..."  Yeah we always do...because I ALWAYS DO!!!! and I didn't and I am tired of being responsible for making sure that this family has a decent Christmas.  But if I say, "I'm out! You do it for once!" Then I am being a bitch and not trying to give him a chance and move forward in our relationship, but seriously, its like he feels that he has really taken part in the past and done his fair share in how the previous years turned out.  He hasn't, he's taken credit for presents that I worked hard to make sure the kids got, and that irritated the crap out of me...

So here we are in another holiday season and I am the Grinch...because I hate Christmas and the horrible holiday it has turned into...I have never gotten to enjoy a single Christmas as an adult.  It's sad.  Someday I hope I can enjoy Christmas.  Maybe when I  have grand-babies, if I live that long...

Have Things Changed?!?

Sometimes it feels like nothing has changed.  He'll be out here on the computer and I'll be out there watching tv and then it'll be bedtime and off I'll go.  No good night kiss, nothing.  No time spent together in the evening, same old thing as before.  And the house is still a mess, the bills still unpaid, so I ask, what has changed?  We said we were gonna change...is that it?  Is that all?  That we said we were gonna change?  Is that enough?  The intention of change?  I don't think that is enough. 

At this current moment I am angry about money again.  A couple weeks ago I was angry about money. He said he was going to work over time and buy himself a fencing outfit.  Well, he bought the outfit FIRST and then go figure, he hasn't work any overtime...so yeah I was mad about that ($106.+ tax).  But then he was behind on his fencing class fees.  He hadn't paid for October yet, and November was due too.  We talked about it and we were pretty broke.   I showed him how much money we had and said he should just pay for October and then pay November when we got paid on November 15th.  He said OK.  Then, not only did he pay October and November, he paid December as well. 

Needless to say, we are considerably broke-r than I would like at this point, we dont get paid until the 15th and somehow I am supposed to come up with food and gas money, but HEY, his fencing class is paid for, so its all good, right?!?

But then he wants me to be all happy and kissy and cuddly...because its the weekend...oh did I mention I am working 11 hour days? And Saturdays?  Yeah.  Mandatory overtime.  And it's taxed to hell.  And I feel like crap, does that solicit any extra help around here?  Nope!  I just want out.  Nothing has changed.  I am in the same relationship I was in a year ago. 

Now he uses the fact that he is looking for a job to be on the computer for excessive amounts of time.  Its ridiculous.  He will always find an excuse. 

Seriously, maybe I do just want out of this relationship.  Maybe I should've just gone when I was planning to before.  Maybe I am not putting any effort into it either.  I don't know.  I know I am exhausted and if he isn't going to be a help then he is just a hindrance that I cant have and don't need.  I don't need to be fighting all the time, it isn't physically good for me and its exhausting to boot.

I don't want to have to remind him of stuff, I don't want to be his mom anymore.  I have done that for long enough...funny before we knew what his deal was, when I made him lists or reminded him of stuff I was nagging him...Now I am being helpful??!?!!??

And seriously...I think it is beyond selfish to drag me all around town chasing a @#$%ing cupcake lady, when I can't eat a @#$%ing cupcake.  If it was just down the street it would be one thing, but seriously, he has dragged me all over town for those damn cupcakes and I pretend to have a good time, but I'm not having good time.  I don't enjoy farmer's markets, indoors or out!  AND I CAN'T EAT CUPCAKES!!!!!!

Maybe take the other person's feelings into consideration once in a while, and don't say, oh maybe you should tell him, he probably doesn't know how you feel...cuz I have told him...I told him several times.  "I don't want to go.  I can't even eat cupcakes"...he didn't care....

I have missed this...venting feels good...I am going to have to remember to do this more often...its this or hit him with a frying pan.  That might feel good too tho.

Well This Weekend Sucks...

Well so far this weekend sucks.  Last week at work they announced that my job was being moved out of state and I would be re-assigned.  Let me clarify...my whole team was being re-assigned, to other positions within the office.  So good news, we still had jobs, bad news we lost the jobs we were actually qualified for and had come to that specific office to be doing...  So they tell us the change will take place within a couple weeks, well nope, I come in this week and starting Thursday I am being trained on a job that involves phone work with customers...totally not what I want to do...I thought I was being punked.  This is so the opposite I what I have been doing for my 15+ years with this company and 20+ year career anywhere.  I just don't do PHONES, so going into my weekend I am already stressed...

Then I feel like I have another M.S. relapse coming on...my legs are doing this really strange shaky thing but its on the inside.  Its very hard to explain.  You can't see it, but I can feel it and it hurts and it makes it hard to walk and it feels like pins and needles sometimes and it makes me jerk my legs if I laying down.  It's not nice.

And then...I am getting a cold and they hit me very hard when they come on. 

So we go out Friday nite cuz Paul is going to do some fencing thing at Royal Arts and on the way, he keeps saying, "I hope its not all kids" and I am just going along to watch and be supportive.  And we get there and its all kids so he decides to leave before anyone sees him.  Then on the way home he keeps saying, "Wouldn't Dairy Queen be nice?" and I say no, because I can't have anything from Dairy Queen.  Then he says, "Oooh, what about that Carver place over on 256?" and I say no, because I can't have anything from that place and I am and getting a cold and I just want to go home.  And he says, "Oh, what about that ice cream place down by the high school?" and again I say no...because why?  I CANT HAVE ANYTHING FROM THAT PLACE?!  Is he not getting it?  Its kinda selfish to go someplace like that anyway, dontcha think? Then he goes, "Is there a football game tonite because if there is, I bet that place by the high school won't be busy..."  So finally I just say, "Fine, go get something from there..."  I'm sick and stressing out about my job situation and he knows it, but hey lets go get HIM an ice cream, while I sit there and have nothing...sounds like a plan!

So I went to bed with the sniffles Friday nite and woke up Saturday morning with a terrible cold.  Yeah, yuck! So I decided to go to the store to get some cold medicine and it was just barely raining when I left the house and there was a tremendous downpour when I left the store!

And we were supposed to go to the Farmer's Market because it was the last day today but it was raining and I was sick, so I didn't want to go...but Paul insisted.  Really?  In the rain?  So we went. Yeah, cuz he had to have a cupcake that he had promised himself...

So then we get the stuff for salsa and come home and don't make the salsa...until lets see its almost 8:30 now..I hate having late dinner...HATE IT!  So do the kids.  And we were supposed to have rice balls with today's salsa but I couldn't get him out to the store to get the stuff to make them early enough.  They take a long time to make apparently.  After you cook the rice, you have to let the rice mixture cool for an hour before you shape the balls and then fry them...yeah.

Anyway...I wanted to get my new phone this weekend and there isn't enough fundage for that, and my beautiful new birthday purse broke!  Well, just the handle...(but JCPenney has a return policy that might let me exchange it without a receipt, we'll see)..sucky things on top of already sucky weekend!

And while we were driving to the fencing class Friday nite he says to me, "what do you think about meditation..."  And I was like why?  And he says "Well I want to take a meditation class with Sam." and I was welcome to come...and I was like oh no, here we go again.  Now he's gonna put Sam in where Sherry was and he's gonna try to fill that blank that I apparently can't fill.  I apparently can't keep his interest...   I told him I thought we should wait and talk to Dawn about it.  He said he' used to do things with Sam'.   I asked him what things.  He said he went to Chipolte a couple times and he did the breast cancer walk and the fencing class, I was like that's it?  Really, I don't think that counts for much.  I told him I thought maybe he was trying to put Sam in that hole now.  He said he didn't think so. 

See I had surgery last weekend.  I am off limits for 2 weeks.  No intimacy for weeks and now this weekend I am sick so no kissing either...I think without those things, I really hold little interest for my husband.  I really need to bring this up in marriage counseling.  I tried before, but like I said, every session turns into a Paul-fest!  And now, it seems our next few sessions have actually been turned officially into Paul's appointments for ADD. 

Not Sure What To Do

Okay, so it's been a week since the Ping! was banished from our lives...it seemed like a dream come true.  Saturday and Sunday were great.  We had a great time together, but by the time he got home from work on Monday he was sullen and depressed and he said it was because he had realized how much his actions had been hurting me.  And he felt guilty and he as sorry.  I said it was in the past and it wasnt his fault and lets let it go and move on.

But Tuesday came and he was more sullen and depressed and then Wednesday and it was the same story...he said he was dissatisfied at work.  (This sounds scary familiar, this is how he gets fired.)  But I don't think it has anything or at least not much to do with his job...I think he is missing his Sherry fix.  I am boring old regular home life and she is interesting online, South Caroline or wherever. 

But since he has been like this, he has been so distant and it has been so easy to fall back into the relationship patterns that we had built up over the years of living like room-mates and not the new patterns we have been trying to establish. 

It's hard to want to cuddle up to someone who is acting like they just aren't that into you...it feels like pretending or at the very least setting yourself up for rejection and seriously, who wants to be rejected by their spouse of 21.5 years?  That is a serious smack down!

 Well, I have tons of housework and yard-work and grocery shopping ahead of me today...and I haven't taken my morning M.S. meds yet.  So I gotta get off of here!  More later I assure you.

I Stood My Ground

So I went in there and I spoke my mind...she started to go over the papers that we brought about Paul's ADD and I said, "Wait...before this goes any further, I don't think I can do this anymore...I don't want to do this anymore.  I'm done."  And she goes, "With what?"  And I said "With everything, this all of it, counseling the marriage, everything... If we had broken up in June like we were heading towards, I'd be healing by now, but as it is, just when I start to heal, he wounds me again, over and over..."  and she says, "Tell me what you mean..."  So I told her about my perfect Sunday ruined by the Ping! from Sherry, and the Sunday afternoon when we were supposed spend time together and she Ping!-ed and he asked for 10 minutes and it turned to 40, and how last week he barely waited until I was in bed and then he ran for the computer to Ping! her...I said that those behaviors hurt me and he had obviously chosen and that if she fulfilled some need for him that there was nothing I could do about it.

He said that he hadn't chosen.  Dawn said that Sherry was obviously a wedge between us and that he needed to understand that it was Sherry or me.  He said that it wasnt fair and why did he have to choose.  I told her that I had made several changes in an effort to make him happy.  I had shown a greater interest in the things he liked, I had gone places with him that I would never have gone before, I had written him little notes, sent him texts during the day, actively cuddled, and felt that he was not giving the same sort of changes in return.  When she asked him what changes he was making for me his response was that I was enjoying the things that we were doing together and the hanging out, etc.  She said, no, what changes was he making for me?  He couldn't come up with any...

He said he had told Sherry that he was going to work on the marriage.  He also said that he had told me that he wasn't going to talk to Sherry about me and our relationship and that he hadn't been and that he was going to chat for less time when he did chat. But what Dawn pointed out was that he hadn't explained the new boundaries to Sherry so she just kept coming back expecting the old rules to be in effect.  And when she Ping!-ed he still went running.  She asked him what would happen if he told Sherry that he was going to take a break for two months.  He asked what did she mean, of course he would do it.  He was committed to me and working on the marriage.  She said, no, did he think Sherry would wait for him.  He said he didn't know.  I thought that said alot.  Dawn said okay...He said he was worried because wouldn't he be right back where he was if at Christmas she popped up and said 'Merry Xmas' and he said 'Merry Xmas, how have you been?' and I got upset all over again.  Dawn said she had a plan and by that point we would have done a lot of healing and it wouldn't be an issue.

This went on for some time, with Dawn giving examples of how this was a painful issue for me, trying to explain that my feelings were valid even if he didn't understand how.  Finally he got that they were real feelings. He accepted that in order for us to move on Sherry was going to have to go. 

Dawn said that if Sherry Ping!-ed him I was supposed to say, 'What are you going to do?'.  We also discussed his ADD and using a timer for Facebook.

Last time after we left counseling, I thought we were on the same page about what had been discussed and we weren't, so when got home this time, I asked him what was discussed and what was going to happen.  He said that he was going to tell Sherry that he wasn't going to talk to her anymore.  (And that he was going to use a timer for Facebook.)

So last night while I was cooking dinner, I was looking at a recipe online and Sherry pops up.  So I told him.  He said he wanted time to talk to her...I said no better time than now...I'm gonna be cooking for awhile.  After like 2 minutes, he says, "I'm done..."  Now I was expecting this to take awhile...seriously...they were supposedly these really great supportive friends...had gotten each other through such rough times...she was there for him when we were going through the almost break up, etc...but as soon as he tries to explain it to her she says goodbye, he says wait, and tries again and she says I don't want to hear your excuses Paul! and basically leaves the conversation.  He was really upset and that upsets me.  I didn't want him to be upset.  That was never my goal.  Truly it wasn't.  I am not and was not jealous.  I just don't want to share him, especially with some faceless harlot on the computer.

I am pretty sure there was either more or less to the relationship from her side than he thought. 

Either:

A: she did want him all to herself...and wanted me out of the picture

OR 

B: she was never that supportive of him at all...

Either way, I'm just glad the bitch is gone!

So I went on Facebook this morning and the bitch un-friended him...nice...works for me!  I can move on working on my marriage...I no longer have to worry about that annoying Ping! and the harlot/tramp that goes with it!

Happy dance for me...

Sad face for Paul.

I did explain to Paul that the pain that he is experiencing now...is kinda what I have been going through (probably less so than what I have been experiencing) for the last few weeks.  We are each going to have our own painful parts of this healing processes.  Each time he left me for that Ping! I felt wounded.