How Can Anyone Hate Christmas?

How Can Anyone Hate Christmas?  Well I do...I just hate this time of year...it supposed to make me happy and joyful and every year I wait for that to happen and it never does.  And don't tell me that I have to make it happen for myself, because I have tried that too.  It's too much work trying to do that for other people, I don't have the time or the energy to try to do it for myself too.

Almost every year I have to try to figure out how I am going to afford Christmas for my children.  That is enough stress right there.  There is extended family to buy for and the friends of your kids and the circle that you have to buy for just keeps getting bigger but the money coming in doesn't.  Did I mention that I hate Christmas?  How did something that was supposed to be joyful turn into something that is so stressful for me?  It literally brings me to tears every year...

For the last few years, up until last year, I worked over time, LOTS of overtime at the holidays in order to make sure that my kids could have a decent Christmas.  Then last year we went the layaway route and the kids knew everything they were getting, well the big stuff anyway.

This year, the OT, was spent on my glasses...what the hell was I thinking?!?! and we didn't do layaway and it's like 2 weeks til Christmas and I have nothing for my kids. And Paul is saying, "We'll figure it out...we always do..."  Yeah we always do...because I ALWAYS DO!!!! and I didn't and I am tired of being responsible for making sure that this family has a decent Christmas.  But if I say, "I'm out! You do it for once!" Then I am being a bitch and not trying to give him a chance and move forward in our relationship, but seriously, its like he feels that he has really taken part in the past and done his fair share in how the previous years turned out.  He hasn't, he's taken credit for presents that I worked hard to make sure the kids got, and that irritated the crap out of me...

So here we are in another holiday season and I am the Grinch...because I hate Christmas and the horrible holiday it has turned into...I have never gotten to enjoy a single Christmas as an adult.  It's sad.  Someday I hope I can enjoy Christmas.  Maybe when I  have grand-babies, if I live that long...

Have Things Changed?!?

Sometimes it feels like nothing has changed.  He'll be out here on the computer and I'll be out there watching tv and then it'll be bedtime and off I'll go.  No good night kiss, nothing.  No time spent together in the evening, same old thing as before.  And the house is still a mess, the bills still unpaid, so I ask, what has changed?  We said we were gonna change...is that it?  Is that all?  That we said we were gonna change?  Is that enough?  The intention of change?  I don't think that is enough. 

At this current moment I am angry about money again.  A couple weeks ago I was angry about money. He said he was going to work over time and buy himself a fencing outfit.  Well, he bought the outfit FIRST and then go figure, he hasn't work any overtime...so yeah I was mad about that ($106.+ tax).  But then he was behind on his fencing class fees.  He hadn't paid for October yet, and November was due too.  We talked about it and we were pretty broke.   I showed him how much money we had and said he should just pay for October and then pay November when we got paid on November 15th.  He said OK.  Then, not only did he pay October and November, he paid December as well. 

Needless to say, we are considerably broke-r than I would like at this point, we dont get paid until the 15th and somehow I am supposed to come up with food and gas money, but HEY, his fencing class is paid for, so its all good, right?!?

But then he wants me to be all happy and kissy and cuddly...because its the weekend...oh did I mention I am working 11 hour days? And Saturdays?  Yeah.  Mandatory overtime.  And it's taxed to hell.  And I feel like crap, does that solicit any extra help around here?  Nope!  I just want out.  Nothing has changed.  I am in the same relationship I was in a year ago. 

Now he uses the fact that he is looking for a job to be on the computer for excessive amounts of time.  Its ridiculous.  He will always find an excuse. 

Seriously, maybe I do just want out of this relationship.  Maybe I should've just gone when I was planning to before.  Maybe I am not putting any effort into it either.  I don't know.  I know I am exhausted and if he isn't going to be a help then he is just a hindrance that I cant have and don't need.  I don't need to be fighting all the time, it isn't physically good for me and its exhausting to boot.

I don't want to have to remind him of stuff, I don't want to be his mom anymore.  I have done that for long enough...funny before we knew what his deal was, when I made him lists or reminded him of stuff I was nagging him...Now I am being helpful??!?!!??

And seriously...I think it is beyond selfish to drag me all around town chasing a @#$%ing cupcake lady, when I can't eat a @#$%ing cupcake.  If it was just down the street it would be one thing, but seriously, he has dragged me all over town for those damn cupcakes and I pretend to have a good time, but I'm not having good time.  I don't enjoy farmer's markets, indoors or out!  AND I CAN'T EAT CUPCAKES!!!!!!

Maybe take the other person's feelings into consideration once in a while, and don't say, oh maybe you should tell him, he probably doesn't know how you feel...cuz I have told him...I told him several times.  "I don't want to go.  I can't even eat cupcakes"...he didn't care....

I have missed this...venting feels good...I am going to have to remember to do this more often...its this or hit him with a frying pan.  That might feel good too tho.

Well This Weekend Sucks...

Well so far this weekend sucks.  Last week at work they announced that my job was being moved out of state and I would be re-assigned.  Let me clarify...my whole team was being re-assigned, to other positions within the office.  So good news, we still had jobs, bad news we lost the jobs we were actually qualified for and had come to that specific office to be doing...  So they tell us the change will take place within a couple weeks, well nope, I come in this week and starting Thursday I am being trained on a job that involves phone work with customers...totally not what I want to do...I thought I was being punked.  This is so the opposite I what I have been doing for my 15+ years with this company and 20+ year career anywhere.  I just don't do PHONES, so going into my weekend I am already stressed...

Then I feel like I have another M.S. relapse coming on...my legs are doing this really strange shaky thing but its on the inside.  Its very hard to explain.  You can't see it, but I can feel it and it hurts and it makes it hard to walk and it feels like pins and needles sometimes and it makes me jerk my legs if I laying down.  It's not nice.

And then...I am getting a cold and they hit me very hard when they come on. 

So we go out Friday nite cuz Paul is going to do some fencing thing at Royal Arts and on the way, he keeps saying, "I hope its not all kids" and I am just going along to watch and be supportive.  And we get there and its all kids so he decides to leave before anyone sees him.  Then on the way home he keeps saying, "Wouldn't Dairy Queen be nice?" and I say no, because I can't have anything from Dairy Queen.  Then he says, "Oooh, what about that Carver place over on 256?" and I say no, because I can't have anything from that place and I am and getting a cold and I just want to go home.  And he says, "Oh, what about that ice cream place down by the high school?" and again I say no...because why?  I CANT HAVE ANYTHING FROM THAT PLACE?!  Is he not getting it?  Its kinda selfish to go someplace like that anyway, dontcha think? Then he goes, "Is there a football game tonite because if there is, I bet that place by the high school won't be busy..."  So finally I just say, "Fine, go get something from there..."  I'm sick and stressing out about my job situation and he knows it, but hey lets go get HIM an ice cream, while I sit there and have nothing...sounds like a plan!

So I went to bed with the sniffles Friday nite and woke up Saturday morning with a terrible cold.  Yeah, yuck! So I decided to go to the store to get some cold medicine and it was just barely raining when I left the house and there was a tremendous downpour when I left the store!

And we were supposed to go to the Farmer's Market because it was the last day today but it was raining and I was sick, so I didn't want to go...but Paul insisted.  Really?  In the rain?  So we went. Yeah, cuz he had to have a cupcake that he had promised himself...

So then we get the stuff for salsa and come home and don't make the salsa...until lets see its almost 8:30 now..I hate having late dinner...HATE IT!  So do the kids.  And we were supposed to have rice balls with today's salsa but I couldn't get him out to the store to get the stuff to make them early enough.  They take a long time to make apparently.  After you cook the rice, you have to let the rice mixture cool for an hour before you shape the balls and then fry them...yeah.

Anyway...I wanted to get my new phone this weekend and there isn't enough fundage for that, and my beautiful new birthday purse broke!  Well, just the handle...(but JCPenney has a return policy that might let me exchange it without a receipt, we'll see)..sucky things on top of already sucky weekend!

And while we were driving to the fencing class Friday nite he says to me, "what do you think about meditation..."  And I was like why?  And he says "Well I want to take a meditation class with Sam." and I was welcome to come...and I was like oh no, here we go again.  Now he's gonna put Sam in where Sherry was and he's gonna try to fill that blank that I apparently can't fill.  I apparently can't keep his interest...   I told him I thought we should wait and talk to Dawn about it.  He said he' used to do things with Sam'.   I asked him what things.  He said he went to Chipolte a couple times and he did the breast cancer walk and the fencing class, I was like that's it?  Really, I don't think that counts for much.  I told him I thought maybe he was trying to put Sam in that hole now.  He said he didn't think so. 

See I had surgery last weekend.  I am off limits for 2 weeks.  No intimacy for weeks and now this weekend I am sick so no kissing either...I think without those things, I really hold little interest for my husband.  I really need to bring this up in marriage counseling.  I tried before, but like I said, every session turns into a Paul-fest!  And now, it seems our next few sessions have actually been turned officially into Paul's appointments for ADD. 

Not Sure What To Do

Okay, so it's been a week since the Ping! was banished from our lives...it seemed like a dream come true.  Saturday and Sunday were great.  We had a great time together, but by the time he got home from work on Monday he was sullen and depressed and he said it was because he had realized how much his actions had been hurting me.  And he felt guilty and he as sorry.  I said it was in the past and it wasnt his fault and lets let it go and move on.

But Tuesday came and he was more sullen and depressed and then Wednesday and it was the same story...he said he was dissatisfied at work.  (This sounds scary familiar, this is how he gets fired.)  But I don't think it has anything or at least not much to do with his job...I think he is missing his Sherry fix.  I am boring old regular home life and she is interesting online, South Caroline or wherever. 

But since he has been like this, he has been so distant and it has been so easy to fall back into the relationship patterns that we had built up over the years of living like room-mates and not the new patterns we have been trying to establish. 

It's hard to want to cuddle up to someone who is acting like they just aren't that into you...it feels like pretending or at the very least setting yourself up for rejection and seriously, who wants to be rejected by their spouse of 21.5 years?  That is a serious smack down!

 Well, I have tons of housework and yard-work and grocery shopping ahead of me today...and I haven't taken my morning M.S. meds yet.  So I gotta get off of here!  More later I assure you.

I Stood My Ground

So I went in there and I spoke my mind...she started to go over the papers that we brought about Paul's ADD and I said, "Wait...before this goes any further, I don't think I can do this anymore...I don't want to do this anymore.  I'm done."  And she goes, "With what?"  And I said "With everything, this all of it, counseling the marriage, everything... If we had broken up in June like we were heading towards, I'd be healing by now, but as it is, just when I start to heal, he wounds me again, over and over..."  and she says, "Tell me what you mean..."  So I told her about my perfect Sunday ruined by the Ping! from Sherry, and the Sunday afternoon when we were supposed spend time together and she Ping!-ed and he asked for 10 minutes and it turned to 40, and how last week he barely waited until I was in bed and then he ran for the computer to Ping! her...I said that those behaviors hurt me and he had obviously chosen and that if she fulfilled some need for him that there was nothing I could do about it.

He said that he hadn't chosen.  Dawn said that Sherry was obviously a wedge between us and that he needed to understand that it was Sherry or me.  He said that it wasnt fair and why did he have to choose.  I told her that I had made several changes in an effort to make him happy.  I had shown a greater interest in the things he liked, I had gone places with him that I would never have gone before, I had written him little notes, sent him texts during the day, actively cuddled, and felt that he was not giving the same sort of changes in return.  When she asked him what changes he was making for me his response was that I was enjoying the things that we were doing together and the hanging out, etc.  She said, no, what changes was he making for me?  He couldn't come up with any...

He said he had told Sherry that he was going to work on the marriage.  He also said that he had told me that he wasn't going to talk to Sherry about me and our relationship and that he hadn't been and that he was going to chat for less time when he did chat. But what Dawn pointed out was that he hadn't explained the new boundaries to Sherry so she just kept coming back expecting the old rules to be in effect.  And when she Ping!-ed he still went running.  She asked him what would happen if he told Sherry that he was going to take a break for two months.  He asked what did she mean, of course he would do it.  He was committed to me and working on the marriage.  She said, no, did he think Sherry would wait for him.  He said he didn't know.  I thought that said alot.  Dawn said okay...He said he was worried because wouldn't he be right back where he was if at Christmas she popped up and said 'Merry Xmas' and he said 'Merry Xmas, how have you been?' and I got upset all over again.  Dawn said she had a plan and by that point we would have done a lot of healing and it wouldn't be an issue.

This went on for some time, with Dawn giving examples of how this was a painful issue for me, trying to explain that my feelings were valid even if he didn't understand how.  Finally he got that they were real feelings. He accepted that in order for us to move on Sherry was going to have to go. 

Dawn said that if Sherry Ping!-ed him I was supposed to say, 'What are you going to do?'.  We also discussed his ADD and using a timer for Facebook.

Last time after we left counseling, I thought we were on the same page about what had been discussed and we weren't, so when got home this time, I asked him what was discussed and what was going to happen.  He said that he was going to tell Sherry that he wasn't going to talk to her anymore.  (And that he was going to use a timer for Facebook.)

So last night while I was cooking dinner, I was looking at a recipe online and Sherry pops up.  So I told him.  He said he wanted time to talk to her...I said no better time than now...I'm gonna be cooking for awhile.  After like 2 minutes, he says, "I'm done..."  Now I was expecting this to take awhile...seriously...they were supposedly these really great supportive friends...had gotten each other through such rough times...she was there for him when we were going through the almost break up, etc...but as soon as he tries to explain it to her she says goodbye, he says wait, and tries again and she says I don't want to hear your excuses Paul! and basically leaves the conversation.  He was really upset and that upsets me.  I didn't want him to be upset.  That was never my goal.  Truly it wasn't.  I am not and was not jealous.  I just don't want to share him, especially with some faceless harlot on the computer.

I am pretty sure there was either more or less to the relationship from her side than he thought. 

Either:

A: she did want him all to herself...and wanted me out of the picture

OR 

B: she was never that supportive of him at all...

Either way, I'm just glad the bitch is gone!

So I went on Facebook this morning and the bitch un-friended him...nice...works for me!  I can move on working on my marriage...I no longer have to worry about that annoying Ping! and the harlot/tramp that goes with it!

Happy dance for me...

Sad face for Paul.

I did explain to Paul that the pain that he is experiencing now...is kinda what I have been going through (probably less so than what I have been experiencing) for the last few weeks.  We are each going to have our own painful parts of this healing processes.  Each time he left me for that Ping! I felt wounded. 

It All Ended With A Ping!

You've heard of wars ending with a bang...this one ended with a Ping!  Ha!  So Sad!  My marriage ended with a Ping! 

I feel like crying but I'm already ready for work so I guess I will just wait til I get home...I am getting off early today to go to the counselor.  I just have to make sure that I get heard this time.  Somehow every appointment gets turned into a Paul-fest.  I haven't been heard yet. I need to be heard, not that I think it will make any difference. 

I love him and I want my marriage to work, but I don't think he is willing to make any changes. 

He wants to keep playing the victim and Sherry is backing him up, saying that I am at fault, that it takes two to tango (what a dumb-ass expression), so there is no way I can win, especially now that he has chosen her over me...He wants her as his best friend and me for the 'other things' the tangible-touchy things...

I guess this is the end...It hurts so much.  I just wish he would've seen how much he was hurting me before it was too late.  I tried to make it work.  But this pretending that it wasn't hurting while we tried to move forward, waiting for it to get better just wasn't working...he just kept hurting me more and more...and it was like he didn't care...doesn't care....

That's It I'm Out!

I can't do it anymore, I'm out!  That's what I'm gonna say when we get to the counselor today.  I can't take it anymore.  If we had broken up in June like we were heading towards, I would be in the process of healing now.  Instead just when my wounds start to heal, he finds them and rips them open again!  I can't take it anymore!

So each of us have our own account on the computer, and we had ours up while I was fixing dinner (yep me fixing dinner again!).  Anyway, Sherry Ping!-ed him and when I came out after dinner to get on the computer I told him she had Ping!-ed him and he pretended not to care.  We went to the tv room and watched a movie and after the movie he got up and just stood there...just standing...finally around 10pm I went to bed, because I had to get up early (not this early) for work today.  So almost as soon as I went to bed he ran to the computer and Ping!-ed her and started up a conversation with her.

So, it seems he cannot give her up.  He has chosen...He did not chose me...he has chosen to re-open my wounds, over and over...and I cannot and will not live like that...

So when we get to counseling today, I will make that perfectly clear...what do you think he will say?  What do you think the counselor will say?

I wanted to put this on Facebook and take a vote on it...should Sherry go?  Should they both go?  I still might...I will wait until after the counseling session to decide if I will post it on Facebook or not...I think I would love for Sherry to  know what she is doing to my marriage, because he surely isn't telling her!

A Different Perspective

So today I was talking to Jermaine about the whole situation with Paul...I told him how hurt I feel by the things that Paul does.  I told him what happened yesterday and how Paul tried to flip the whole thing so I was the bad guy again.  First with me being upset that he blew off his responsibility to take care of dinner and then when he said I was the one who didn't want to talk when he got home.  Both times, I somehow turned into the bad guy...anyway enough with the recap...point is, I was mad, hurt and frustrated.  And its not good for me physically.  Stress is really bad for me, with the M.S.

So anyway,  I was talking to Jermaine, he said I am the only one who can decide I am willing to stay in this and keep fighting for my marriage.  But he said as my friend he woulda told me 'to leave that man' a long time ago, but as a preacher he never leads anyone down the path to divorce.

He said that I need to find a way to let the anger go and find peace before I talk about the things that are upsetting me.  So that is what I am going to try to do.  The problem is, I am so frustrated by these things, that as soon as I try to talk calmly, I end up crying and that itself makes me mad!

Jermaine says I need to give him a chance and try to look at things from Paul's side, especially since we just found out about the ADD thing.  But I'm concerned that he will use that as an excuse to continue to play the victim.  He already does that, nothing is ever his fault and I am afraid that this is just the excuse he needs.

Side-note:  I just saw on my Facebook that Sherry liked a picture that I posted of me and Paul.  It says Sherry (friends with Paul) likes your photo.  And you know what?  I actually felt revulsion.  Yep, that's what I felt, I looked it up.  And I felt sick to my stomach...like I literally could have thrown up...yeah, that's how much it disgusts me that that woman has anything to do with my life even peripherally.

I guess it's no surprise that over 70% of M.S marriages end in divorce!

Are you Effing Kidding Me?!?

Okay, so we met with the counselor last Wednesday and she told him he needed to take a break from Facebook and messaging with Sherry...now I thought we both assumed it would be at least until the next appointment.  Silly me, thinking we were both on the same page about something.

Anyway, so that night he didn't do Facebook or talk to Sherry.  So the next night we were driving to the movies and he mentioned that he had told Sam about the appointment with the counselor and that she had said that the relationship he had with Sherry was 'an affair' and that he didn't agree.  I asked, "Did you tell her that you were banned from Facebook?"  He went nuts.  He said he wasn't banned!  Who's mincing words now, my friend!  Any way, when we got home that night, he asked if he could just check his Facebook, 'real quick'.  I said that he was a grown up and that he could interpret taking a break how ever he wanted.  He has been 'checking his Facebook real quick' every day since then. And if I post something, he'll say, "Let me look at mine to see how it looks."

Then Monday night he got on Facebook after I went to bed!  And posted comments!

So then Tuesday night we were on the computer together, doing something fairly important, and 'Ping' Sherry pops up.  And he goes, 'Let me talk to her.'  And I say you're not supposed to.  And he goes, 'I don't think that was what was said...' Really are you Effing kidding me?!?  Did we go to the same counseling appointment?  First he goes on Facebook willy-nilly and now he just decides because she pings him, he's gonna talk to her!

So I said sure, talk to her...

So instead of telling her the truth, that the counselor told him to cool it, and you'd think he'd be honest with her since they are such good friends, she is his best friend after all, he says that he decided to stay off the computer and not spend so much time chatting and spend more time with the family...HA!

And then today, the day he was supposed to bring home dinner, and for the first time in who knows how long, it wasn't going to be my responsibility, I was waiting on a text that says, 'What should I pick up for dinner?'  and instead I get a text that says 'I'm going out to dinner with Sam.  Actually I am already out to dinner with Sam and I will be late getting home.  You can come join us if you want'

Seriously, I was in tears.  There was nothing here for dinner.  The dishes needed done.  I had to go to the store.  It was so inconsiderate.  I texted him back, but he just blew me off.  He called and said we'd talk about it when he got home, but he hasn't said a word to me since he got here.  Selfish jerk!
_____________________________________________________________
Okay, so we just had a talk about this evening, and he said I over-reacted because he did invited me so he was being considerate.  And he offered to go to the store on his way home...which means we would've had dinner at like 8-8:30.  That would've gone over well with the kids - he gets to go out to dinner with his friend and the rest of get grocery store dinner really late...

So yeah, some how, I'm the bad guy again!

My life hasn't been CAKE!!!

My anxiety level is so high I feel like I am going to pop, I swear to god!  I know I said in my last post that he was going to have to choose, but he hasn't been forced to choose yet and just waiting until we get to that point it causing me too much stress for my M.S. riddled body.  It shouldn't I know.  I should be able to feel confident that my husband of 21.5 years will choose me, right?

BUT what if the counselor says I don't have the right to make him choose?  Or what if she says that this isn't the right time to make him choose?  What if she says I have to give him time to heal first?  I don't think I can do that...I am tired of him getting to be the victim all the time and my feelings are never acknowledged. 

I am in pain too.  I know she (the counselor) knows that this relationship he has with Sherry causes me pain, and has the whole time it has existed...she can't think that its a good thing for it to continue, can she?  Maybe she is giving him time to realize that on his own.  But I don't think he is going to.  I just don't.

I feel like he is just waiting for the ban to be lifted and then he will be on yahoo messenger so fast...apologizing to her for the lapse in communication, explaining that it wasn't his fault, that the counselor made him do it...

I want him to understand that I am the only woman he needs.  He can have his friends from work, at work, he can have those friends we run into at the blue festivals, or even the ones we go out with sometimes, but not the ones that invade my home.  Those just aren't permitted in my marriage...

She needs to GO!  He needs to get rid of her.  On his own.  He needs to do it, without me having to make it an ultimatum.  Because that will surely destroy our marriage.

If I have to make him choose, either way it comes down, it won't be good.  Because why should I have to make him choose?

There should be no choice...he should automatically choose me...no competition...I am his wife, his life partner, the mother of his children...the one he goes to bed with every night.  But if she fills some greater need in his life, then I can't win...

I am saddened by this stage of my life...I never thought I would be here.  I said it before.  I thought I was in a til death do us part marriage...with no betrayal, no lies, no other women...not even the 'emotional affair' kind.

I feel like crying all the time.  Its not fair.  The counselor keeps giving him 'break-throughs' that basically give him the right to feel that way, but I am left just sitting there with nothing.  Like I have been been through nothing and he is a victim and she keeps telling him that he's had such a rough life...like mine has been cake??

I've had no Cake!

HE IS GOING TO HAVE TO CHOOSE

So we've been going to the marriage counselor for a couple weeks.  The first time she told us not to work on any 'heavy stuff' because we weren't equipped to deal with it yet.  Fine.  Yet somehow those issues still kept coming up.  Like Sherry being Paul's best friend instead of me...yeah...real hot button issue for me..definite deal breaker.  And the fact that he will drop every thing and run for the computer when she 'Pings!'.  Another hot button issue.

So anyway...we go into counseling this week and she asks how we are doing and Paul tells her that some of the heavy issues have been coming up.  Then he tries to tell her that while we were 'broken up' that I read his chats.  I think he was attempting to rat me out.  But she just glossed over me reading the chats and went into how did I feel when I read the chats.  I told her that I felt betrayed.  He back-pedaled and tried to justify their relationship.  They had been friends since middle school, they graduated high school together, they had simply lost touch after high school but had now reconnected.

She says, okay, so after the initial 20 minute conversation, because that's all it should have taken to catch up, what did you talk about?  The she goes on to tell him that what he did was have a platonic affair.  He says, no, no way.  There was no talk of sex or love or anything like that.  She says there doesn't have to be, when he took all the time and energy and emotion that he should have been giving to me and gave it to another woman, it is the clinical definition of an affair.  She gets out books and pamphlets and shows them to him.  He finally comes to accept this as true.  She tells him that she wants him to take a break from talking to Sherry.  My wishes have been answered!  Only I wish she would've said just cut it off completely, instead of take a break, because I know he heard, "its just until your next appointment, then you get her back..."

But he did whine about how he would be losing a friend and someone who knew him so well.  She told him that it was just a faceless person on the computer.

She tells him that the talks that he would have had with Sherry, she wants him to have with himself instead, in the form of journaling.  I feel very supportive of this.

She delves further into the situation and finds a hidden issue that she believes is the root of this and that is that he is missing his mom and his older brother.  Again, I am supportive. 

After we leave, we go and buy him a journal so he can start right away.  He says that he feels guilty that he didn't know that he was doing this.  I tell him that how could he know, it was a hidden issue and she didn't even know, she had to look for it to find it.

I feel that I being supportive of all of his breakthroughs.  BUT I feel that he is either using the fact that he is the one having all the breakthrough to be mean to me or he is blaming me for his lack of being able to talk to Sherry to be mean to me.  One or the other, but he is definitely being mean to me.

So, at our next appointment, I am going to tell Dawn that we need to get some more things out on the table before I start to try to move past them because if I try to heal and then later she wants to address them it will be too late. 

BUT, also he IS going to have to choose. 

ME OR SHERRY. 

I will not be in a marriage where my husband can't decided between me and another another woman...

A good day turned bad...'Ping'

So I can be having a perfectly good day...a really good day and it can go bad with just one 'Ping'.  Yep that is all it takes...one little 'Ping' from Yahoo messenger.  Yesterday day was a really good day.  Paul and I have been really trying to work on our relationship, doing things together, going out as a couple and just hanging out.  Yesterday, after spending the morning together, we went out to brunch, then went to the art museum.  We found something that was the perfect little gift for his dad, so we even stopped by his folks house.  His brother, that I don't get along with, had also stopped by for a visit and even that didn't ruin my day.

We stopped at the store on the way home, to get the last few things we needed for dinner and when we got home, I needed some help getting dinner ready and 'Ping!' there she was!  Yep.

My really good day was ruined.  He wanted to stop everything and talk to his "bestie"!  Just for a few minutes because he never gets to talk to her.  It didn't matter that we had had such a good day all the way up to that point...that 'Ping!' and everything went sour.  The whole day was a waste.  The morning, the brunch, the time at the museum...all a waste, like it never happened...all with one little 'Ping!'  It's all me, I know.  But there's nothing I can do about it.  I just hate the woman.  Hate.  I generally don't use that word.  But she needs to GO! 

I hate that he will drop whatever he is doing and run for the computer at the sound of that 'Ping!'.  Oh Sherry's on...must stop everything...and I'm supposed to be okay with that?  I don't think so!

I just can't stand it. Just the sound of it makes my stomach turn. 'Ping!'  I don't even care what they talk about.

Friday night I tried to explain to him how hurtful to me it was that he calls another woman his best friend and he said I twist words around.  That I read meanings into things that aren't there.  That it's all semantics.  That I mean more to him than that...blah blah blah.  He just doesn't get it and I don't think he ever will.  I'm wondering if this is a deal breaker for me.  Truly.  This 'Ping' really is almost too much for me to take.

He says he feels like he has to tell me what their conversations are. So he can prove that she isn't talking trash about me anymore. I really don't care what they talk about.  I just want her gone.

I know the topic of their conversations...she's a tramp...she changes men more often than most women change tampons.  She cusses like a sailor and when we were going through our rough patch she bad-mouthed me like nobody's business.  What are her redeeming qualities?  Oh, and he spends a significant amount of time telling her how pretty she is...that's enough to make me like her right?

Okay, he's a grown man and I don't have any right to tell him who he can be friends with.  And I told him that.  I did. And I'm not going to make him get rid of her.  I don't have the right to do that.

BUT I don't think I should be subjected to that either.  Why should I be subjected to the 'Ping' of her calling out to ~my~ husband over and over because she can't keep a man?  And she wants attention from mine... It's not my fault she can't keep a man.  I think she's been divorced a couple times.  But hey, if it comes down to a competition, I'm not playing, I'm not in there.  Paul got mad, he said its not a competition.  I said your right, cuz I wont play.   She wins.  I won't compete.  I'll walk away before I fight this stupid fight...this isn't 7th grade...

'Ping!'  Yeah, that's a comforting sound, right?  Yeah, honey, go talk to your trampy bestie!  I'll just wait over here for when you want to come be with me.  Just don't try to touch me afterward, cuz I'll be in bad mood that you wont understand...

So Who's At Fault?

So, as a child we were poor and I never knew it.  My parents made sure that we had everything that we needed and that we didn't know that were were poor.  I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone else was just as poor as we were, so there was nobody to compare ourselves to, I guess.  My mom was a stay at home mom for most of my childhood, although I do remember her working as a waitress for a short period of time when I was like 3-4 years old.  But my dad worked 2 jobs most of the time.  I didn't find out until just a few years ago that we were on public assistance for most of my childhood, getting at least food stamps.  My parents made sure we had food on the table and clothes and toys to play with.  We even went on vacation every summer.  We had a pop-up camper and sometimes we even rented a house up at Buckeye Lake for a week.  Nope, we didn't want for anything.  We knew not to beg for things though. 

As we grew older, my brother met a friend who was rich.  That friend had everything he could want and more.  My brother began to demand things from my parents.  And when my parents couldn't give those things to him.  He began to steal.  He stole from me and my parents.  He stole credit card numbers from patrons where he worked, in order to buy things to keep up with his rich friend.  Eventually we lost touch.  Years later, I found out that he moved into the same neighborhood that I live in.  We drove by one day and he was outside and he invited us into his house.  It looked like a magazine layout.  He told us that he had interior designers do his house for him.  It looked like he couldn't really live there.   He never outgrew that need, that greed that overtook him.  I felt sad for him.

But my kids...they are always begging for things.  ALWAYS...to me they seem so greedy.  And they know my financial situation.  They know when I don't have money. They know when I have bills to pay and they still ask for things that they don't need.  And then get mad at me when I don't immediately give in...even though they know I can't.


So my question is...who's at fault?  Is it my fault?  Did I do this to them?  Did I make them this way?  Or is it society?  Have they grown up in a world so different from the world that I grew up in, in a neighborhood where everybody has everything they want, not just the things they need, so that they feel entitled to ask for everything they want?  Is it too late to change them?

But you know its not just things they don't need that they are greedy with...its food too.  My kids are just damn greedy.  If I buy cookies, the whole package is gone the same day... I bought a package of string cheese.  Gone the next day.  There are 12 in a package.  My oldest tried to justify it by saying, "That's only 3 per person, and that's not unreasonable for a day."  WHAT?!?  How is that not unreasonable?  Who eats three string cheeses in a day?  Its not a frickin' meal!  I can buy 20 yogurts for me to take for breakfast.  Gone before I get through a week!  Chips, cereal, soda...it doesn't matter what it is...there is no moderation here.  Just greed and selfishness.  I don't know how to change it.

Well I think I am done venting for now...I need a nap!

Stress -redacted

So after I wrote my blog this morning, I started thinking...actually I went back to bed to try to sleep this migraine off.  But while I was laying there I thought, that blog I wrote should've been done like a military report, with all of the info there, but all of the good stuff redacted.   So this is how that first entry of the day should've looked.  

So, back in late fall our oldest son came to us                                    t 12 he                    he was                                             . He                             he just wants                       he         home.  I                     fall                .  I love him                                                                                stress.                             daughter finds it somewhat                                 with.  She                          brothers."

So my middle child, has        .  He                                                   twice a               with     of w    ter.  The             the             the            . .The                       the                            room.  The                                        .  But he                             how                             him or how                         him.  He                                             his                              .  Coming in from work and                                 y,, take a rest from getting up so early, is so hard.  When I get home I just want to sit down and rest for a few minutes,                                                   .

So this thing with Paul,  we have started marriage counseling, no secret there.  But the marriage counselor says we are not equipped to deal with the big things yet.  But she asked us how we ended up together.  The answer I gave was ok, but not correct.  I thought about it and the correct answer was that Paul was my best friend.  But over the years,                                           Paul h                                             are             .  That                     hurtful                   .  This            been                  few              when               been                       , but                                  .  So                                       that I                                                       ) that I                 him                  he                   but if I           his             that I                                                                         out.                                                                     work.         He        to         to      Sherry his        .   I         him that was the         .  He        to tell me that him                     her his                                           we had and that I was                               into                                                  s.  I told him that        it             't take                t we                if                is his                    .  I told him                   I                     to                and              to                .                 he  it.  I am again feeling this indecision.  Alone and adrift at sea...

He says                                about                      her.  That our                       are             .  I want to                that is        .  I need to          that is       . 


He says                            , but                               .  I asked him to                              .  I told him                                                                                   .  I just wonder why now?  Why now is he willing to make changes?  And is he really willing?  Am I putting my eggs in a basket with holes in bottom?  This is a scary time for me.

Stress

So my friend Alyse says that blogging is a good way to relieve stress.  I think she might be right.  Here's my problem though.  Some of the things that cause me stress are taboo topics.  Like:

1.  I have a son who has....oops.. not allowed to talk about that...
2.  I have another son who...oops not allowed to talk about that either...
3.  I am experiencing some marital issues but I can't go into details (I trust that is being honored by the other party as well)...

But let's see...I am taking a martial arts class with Paul that I thought was supposed to be fun.  And for about 15 minutes of each class it is.  Then it turns into this horrible flash back of gym class in like 7th grade with the instructor barking at you like the football coach who is only teaching gym class because he has too, because they make him so he can coach the football team.  NOT fun at all.  Once this beginner class is over I will not be taking the next class.  They take this WAY to seriously.  If they can't make if fun, they wont get anybody who is there for anything less than complete and total seriousness to keep going.  And the instructor gives me dirty looks the whole time because I don't catch on right away, "Dude, I have never taken a martial arts class in my entire life, cut me some slack, alright?!?"

Oh, we have gone to the Ohio Theater a couple times for the summer series movies.  We saw the original Psycho and the original War of the Worlds.  Man! That theater is awesome.  Totally beautiful!  Its worth the price of the ticket just to see the inside of the theater. 

We are looking to replace the car.  There is some check engine light on...who knows how much that would cost to get fixed, the front passenger seat is broken, the tires need replaced (estimated $600 -since it is an SUV).  But I don't want to get rid of my car.  It seats 7.  And we can haul stuff in it.   The replacement cars we qualify for (in our current financial situation) are sedans, which only seat 5, but they do get better, way better gas mileage.  But for the down payment (actually tax and fees) that we would have to put down, we could get the tires on the Suzuki replaced...I hate the indecision that I am plagued with lately.  I didn't used to be like this.

I have felt this a lot lately, plagued with indecision.  Mostly since this whole thing with Paul went down.  I second guess myself a lot.  I used to know exactly what I wanted.  I knew what my goals were, even if I didn't know how I was going to achieve them.  I knew where I wanted to be in life at any certain time, I knew what my small term goals were too.  Now I feel, I got nothing...  I am a boat adrift at sea...its sad really.

Oh, and my house is falling apart around me.  Its filthy.  Truly.  I haven't been able to make granola in two months because my kitchen is just too messy.  I haven't made muffins either.  I am just too exhausted to get it clean...I don't feel like doing anything about it either.  I just want to leave it and walk away. 

Sometimes I just want to walk away from everything.  Sometimes when I am at work, I just want to get up and leave and just drive away from everything and everybody... the stress just builds up and I find myself crying at work and that is no good.  But luckily they know I get migraines and I can blame the crying on that. 

Sometimes I feel so alone.  Its all too much.  There is just too much stress and physically I cannot take much more.  My body is rebelling against me already.  The stress just gives it more fuel to fight me with.  I come home and there is too much to do and my body says lay down and give me a fricking break and I can't.  Me and M.S. are not friends but some days, I do just want to lay down and take a nap with him.  

Well,  nobody told me I couldn't talk about my daughter.  But she probably will now.  Ever since Paul and I have started working on our relationship, we have been spending more time together.  Which means we have been spending our evenings together and going to bed at the same time.  Which has kind of left our daughter out in the dark.  She used to come to bed with me and then Paul would move her to her bed when he came to bed.  She misses the cuddle time that we had together.  Or me and her would sit in the TV room in the evenings while Paul was on the computer.  And all that has changed.  She misses me.  I feel her.  I miss her too. 

So I think that is it for now.  I don't feel better though.  Cuz I stayed home today with a migraine...a real one.  It feels like something is eating down the left side of my head.  And I feel like I might vomit...nice graphic image huh?  My friend says when she gets migraines she feels better after she throws up....I never actually, hardly ever, throw up, but I never feel better when I do.

Hope you have a great day.  Hope I do too.

Reposts

So the two posts that are just below this one are obviously out of order...I just moved them here from my old blog spot...so no worries if it doesn't make sense or if you've read them before...or if you haven't because it seems that nobody reads my blog anyway...But I had to change my email address and I couldnt figure out how to get this site to let me change it for logging in purposes...anyhoo...away we go!

It's My Birthday!

So it's my Birthday today! Yep, and my baby girl is leaving on vacation to Georgia...how fair is that? Well, actually, she is leaving tomorrow. Today her friends are picking her up and she is spending the night with them here in Ohio and then tomorrow morning they are leaving for Georgia. Then in a couple weeks, we will drive down to Georgia for our weekend vacation and pick her up.

My whole summer vacation will be ONE weekend in Georgia. BUT its more than I used to get so I not really complaining. We are planning a couple of good things I guess. A trip to the Coke museum and a visit to http://www.thevarsity.com/ hot dog joint. Which I saw on Foodnetwork and it looks like it will be a lot of fun. My baby girl has been there and she enjoyed it. Although if I ask her about it now, she gets an attitude, but she gets that from me, the attitude I mean.

Dang that girl is just a tiny me walking around. We butt head like nobody's business. It's like I ran myself through a copier sometimes. All attitude and beauty to match! She's way prettier than me though. Ok, we just had a fight somehow because she doesn't have a bathing suit, only she does, but its at her friends house. I said call your friend and we'll go pick it up and somehow that was me being mean to her! I just don't get it!

So, now it looks like I may end up going to Target to buy a bathing suit bottom, just the bottom mind you...things at my house are always so weird...

 

M.S.

So this hasn't been a topic of my blog yet. Yep I have it and nope I haven't discussed it yet. I try not to let it have much affect on my life...or is it effect. I always get those two confused. Anyways regardless of my wants and wishes it does. I am tired all time and I have to take tons of medicines every day and shots every other day and my legs hurt and I get headaches and I forget things and I get grumpy and I heat makes me mad and I'm cold all the time and a multitude of other M.S related crap. So yeppers M.S. had an affect on my life. Even if I try to keep it out.

Some days I come home from work so tired I just sit down on the couch for just a minute and I wake up and it's well past dinner time and guess what? No dinner, cuz I fell asleep and nobody cooked cuz that's my job! Well, hopefully in the new life I am now scraping together for myself, that won't happen because we will have chores and some days it will be somebody else's day to cook or somebody will just step up to the plate (haha funny pun there) and help out poor old mom!

Some days it's almost impossible to get out of bed because of the headache or somedays my eyes hurt to much to even consider driving. Those days, I just stay home, because I couldn't see to work anyway.

I think I am in the middle, or maybe if I am really really lucky, the end of a relapse. One day, I had these very strange visual disturbances. I was at work, and looking at my monitor, when out of the corner of my eye, the keyboard appeared to lift up and sort of dance/jiggle. It was enough to literally bring me to tears. I was bawling. It just didn't stop. I had to move the keyboard out of my line of sight so I could continue reading my case, then move the keyboard back to continue working. Then later in the day, the cord to my telephone appeared to do the same thing. It was a bad day!

There is other stuff too and I probably should have been writing it down, like I said I would, but I haven't been. I know I am short tempered. But that is to been expected with all I am going through, right now, you know? And OMG stress causes M.S. flare ups or exacerbations, or relapses. Not like I dont have enough stress in my life. But that is part of why I am doing what I am doing. To eliminate some stress in my life. I physically cannot tolerate the stress! M.S. says so!

I went to the opthamologist and he couldn't find any signs of an M.S. flare up. But I have an appointment with my neurologist next week. Its the replacement neurologist. My guy got pushed out of the practice because he cost too much and now I have to go to the new guy, I guess he's ok, but he just isn't the same, you know. MY guy was the guy who was able to find out what was wrong with me when nobody else could, after years of seeing doctors who acted like I was nuts or just having regular headaches like everybody else!

Anyway...I have been assigned the task of errand boy...so I will be running out to the store now. Guess I am done for now anyway. This got kinda long kinda fast.

TTFN!