Stress

So my friend Alyse says that blogging is a good way to relieve stress.  I think she might be right.  Here's my problem though.  Some of the things that cause me stress are taboo topics.  Like:

1.  I have a son who has....oops.. not allowed to talk about that...
2.  I have another son who...oops not allowed to talk about that either...
3.  I am experiencing some marital issues but I can't go into details (I trust that is being honored by the other party as well)...

But let's see...I am taking a martial arts class with Paul that I thought was supposed to be fun.  And for about 15 minutes of each class it is.  Then it turns into this horrible flash back of gym class in like 7th grade with the instructor barking at you like the football coach who is only teaching gym class because he has too, because they make him so he can coach the football team.  NOT fun at all.  Once this beginner class is over I will not be taking the next class.  They take this WAY to seriously.  If they can't make if fun, they wont get anybody who is there for anything less than complete and total seriousness to keep going.  And the instructor gives me dirty looks the whole time because I don't catch on right away, "Dude, I have never taken a martial arts class in my entire life, cut me some slack, alright?!?"

Oh, we have gone to the Ohio Theater a couple times for the summer series movies.  We saw the original Psycho and the original War of the Worlds.  Man! That theater is awesome.  Totally beautiful!  Its worth the price of the ticket just to see the inside of the theater. 

We are looking to replace the car.  There is some check engine light on...who knows how much that would cost to get fixed, the front passenger seat is broken, the tires need replaced (estimated $600 -since it is an SUV).  But I don't want to get rid of my car.  It seats 7.  And we can haul stuff in it.   The replacement cars we qualify for (in our current financial situation) are sedans, which only seat 5, but they do get better, way better gas mileage.  But for the down payment (actually tax and fees) that we would have to put down, we could get the tires on the Suzuki replaced...I hate the indecision that I am plagued with lately.  I didn't used to be like this.

I have felt this a lot lately, plagued with indecision.  Mostly since this whole thing with Paul went down.  I second guess myself a lot.  I used to know exactly what I wanted.  I knew what my goals were, even if I didn't know how I was going to achieve them.  I knew where I wanted to be in life at any certain time, I knew what my small term goals were too.  Now I feel, I got nothing...  I am a boat adrift at sea...its sad really.

Oh, and my house is falling apart around me.  Its filthy.  Truly.  I haven't been able to make granola in two months because my kitchen is just too messy.  I haven't made muffins either.  I am just too exhausted to get it clean...I don't feel like doing anything about it either.  I just want to leave it and walk away. 

Sometimes I just want to walk away from everything.  Sometimes when I am at work, I just want to get up and leave and just drive away from everything and everybody... the stress just builds up and I find myself crying at work and that is no good.  But luckily they know I get migraines and I can blame the crying on that. 

Sometimes I feel so alone.  Its all too much.  There is just too much stress and physically I cannot take much more.  My body is rebelling against me already.  The stress just gives it more fuel to fight me with.  I come home and there is too much to do and my body says lay down and give me a fricking break and I can't.  Me and M.S. are not friends but some days, I do just want to lay down and take a nap with him.  

Well,  nobody told me I couldn't talk about my daughter.  But she probably will now.  Ever since Paul and I have started working on our relationship, we have been spending more time together.  Which means we have been spending our evenings together and going to bed at the same time.  Which has kind of left our daughter out in the dark.  She used to come to bed with me and then Paul would move her to her bed when he came to bed.  She misses the cuddle time that we had together.  Or me and her would sit in the TV room in the evenings while Paul was on the computer.  And all that has changed.  She misses me.  I feel her.  I miss her too. 

So I think that is it for now.  I don't feel better though.  Cuz I stayed home today with a migraine...a real one.  It feels like something is eating down the left side of my head.  And I feel like I might vomit...nice graphic image huh?  My friend says when she gets migraines she feels better after she throws up....I never actually, hardly ever, throw up, but I never feel better when I do.

Hope you have a great day.  Hope I do too.